>On a book website that I frequent, I met a woman named Ló, we had the same taste in books and for some reason, became closer then some of the other women on the site. She was living in Brazil and frequently mentioned how hard it was for her to get books. Many times she had to pay more in shipping then the cost of the book. When I finished a book I liked but didn’t think I would re-read it, or just to make room in my crowded space, I would send it to her. She always wanted to know what I wanted back, Postcards I told her. I love postcards. So she sent me postcards from Brazil. I even posted them on this blog, here and here.

A few months back she told me she was moving, she wasn’t happy in Brazil, she and her husband were making plans to move. I was sad that I wasn’t going to be able to chat with her as often as I had been, different time zone and all. Then the week before her planed move her beloved cat died. She was very distressed by this. Yet, she remembered me and asked if I would like her to send some postcards from where she was moving to. Here is one, I got it last week.

Yes, Australia, she moved to Australia because she lived there before and was happy there. I sent her an e-mail telling her I got the cards, and that I loved frogs. She sent a reply apologizing for taking so long. Then no more e-mails, which didn’t concern me, I figured she was busy with moving and settling in and so forth. Meanwhile I watched the floods on the news, in Australia. Then it finally hit me, how close were the floods to my friend Ló? I looked at the postcards:

Queensland, then I googled Australia flooding, Queensland. Shit. I feel like such a jerk now. I am not really thoughtless, just clueless. At least that is what I keep telling myself. My niece says I am extremely self-centered. My niece is a bitch just like her mother. That is being kind.

Now I am worried about not hearing from Ló. It has been 8 days since she e-mailed me. I sincerely hope that the reason she hasn’t e-mailed me is she hasn’t had access to a computer, not anything extremely worse. But I keep thinking maybe she got swept away. I’ll never know if that happened since the only way I have of contacting her is by e-mail.

The self-hate has begun.