Tag Archive: Joke


Dear old demented Dad. Although I have heard this joke before, except when I heard it the person getting the loan was a blond.

 His name might have been Bubba. He was from Mississippi, and he needed a loan, so…he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral to obtain a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and a Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

And yes, dear old dad is a good ‘ole boy.

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More e-mail jokes

These are not my jokes. In fact they weren’t even sent to me. They were sent to someone I used to supervise, who used her work e-mail to get and receive jokes and letters from her daughter ….. I never did see any work related e-mails in her in or out box. Oh well. Poor thing had a brain tumor and died recently.

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey {Cause flies and death just don’t look good}

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. {I think that was a wise decision}

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. {Those pesky murderers ruining your crime stats!}

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas. {You said it}

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark {Is he trying to be Yogi?}

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President

And . .

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
–Al Gore, VP

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca {That’s a valid question. Isn’t it?}

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. {I think he just proved his point}

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. {And what is your definition of discriminate then?}

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
–Bill Clinton, President

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery {And the rest of them come from …..? }

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman {I just hate it when I wake up dead.}

Feeling smarter yet?

Old dogs

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?’


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the panther, ‘That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!’


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!’


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

‘Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!’

Moral of this story
  

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
 BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don’t send this to some ‘old’ friends right away
,there will be fewer people laughing in the world.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more ‘youthfully challenged’.



You did notice the size of the print, didn’t you?

LOL . . .

I really did Laugh Out Loud!!!

How about you???

>E-mail joke

>A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty  explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

(you’re gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

>First post 2010

>Airplane humour…. all true stories.

———–

Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, “How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?”

The pilot responded, “We’re an SR-71, son, and we don’t plan to go up to it; we plan to come down to it.”

And that’s how you shove someone’s foot in their mouth.

———-

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a 38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?” The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?” The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, “What’s that for?” “To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

———-

A military pilot once called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the pilot remarked, “the dreaded seven-engine approach.”

———-

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

———-

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. So they grew rather impatient with a British Airways 747 call sign Speedbird 206 when it had trouble locating its gate.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206, rather frostily : “Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark. And I didn’t land.”

———-

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

At which point a British pilot on another plane cut in with “Because you lost the bloody war!”

———-

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f… ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f… ing bored, not f… ing stupid!”

>joke from the forum

>This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new BMW doing 75 Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror… putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds… and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up!

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!!
Please save a tree, reduce waste. Print e-mails only when necessary.

>More from good old dad

>After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny……….. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Why we love children…

Why we love children… Courtesy of pure-essence.net

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later….. “Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…… “Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy s**t! A talking chicken!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

Life observations

  • More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  • The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
  • Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  • Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  • There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
  • Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  • Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • Everytime I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB-gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
  • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  • I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.
  • Why is a school zone 40kph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  • Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
  • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

>Loved this diet!

>Breakfast

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Tea

1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That’s why I had to pass this on, I didn’t want to risk it.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog does. Pee on it and walk away.