These are not my jokes. In fact they weren’t even sent to me. They were sent to someone I used to supervise, who used her work e-mail to get and receive jokes and letters from her daughter ….. I never did see any work related e-mails in her in or out box. Oh well. Poor thing had a brain tumor and died recently.

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey {Cause flies and death just don’t look good}

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. {I think that was a wise decision}

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. {Those pesky murderers ruining your crime stats!}

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas. {You said it}

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark {Is he trying to be Yogi?}

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President

And . .

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
–Al Gore, VP

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca {That’s a valid question. Isn’t it?}

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. {I think he just proved his point}

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. {And what is your definition of discriminate then?}

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
–Bill Clinton, President

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery {And the rest of them come from …..? }

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman {I just hate it when I wake up dead.}

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