Archive for February, 2012


More e-mail jokes

These are not my jokes. In fact they weren’t even sent to me. They were sent to someone I used to supervise, who used her work e-mail to get and receive jokes and letters from her daughter ….. I never did see any work related e-mails in her in or out box. Oh well. Poor thing had a brain tumor and died recently.

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey {Cause flies and death just don’t look good}

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. {I think that was a wise decision}

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. {Those pesky murderers ruining your crime stats!}

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas. {You said it}

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark {Is he trying to be Yogi?}

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President

And . .

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
–Al Gore, VP

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca {That’s a valid question. Isn’t it?}

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. {I think he just proved his point}

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. {And what is your definition of discriminate then?}

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
–Bill Clinton, President

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery {And the rest of them come from …..? }

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman {I just hate it when I wake up dead.}

Feeling smarter yet?

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Old dogs

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?’


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the panther, ‘That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!’


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!’


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

‘Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!’

Moral of this story
  

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
 BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don’t send this to some ‘old’ friends right away
,there will be fewer people laughing in the world.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more ‘youthfully challenged’.



You did notice the size of the print, didn’t you?

LOL . . .

I really did Laugh Out Loud!!!

How about you???

~ or ~

More proof that I have completely lost my mind.

Dear hair,

Could you please, when you fall out of my head, not twist and tie up into little tangles that look like spiders?

You scare me.

Love, Me

Dear little gold hoop with the butterfly,

Please come out of hiding. Your twin misses you.

I thought when I took out of the box and put you in my ear you would understand that meant I liked you and wanted to show you off. I did not want you to jump out and hide.

If you don’t come out of hiding soon, I will be forced to go to the Diamond District and sell your twin. Yes I will.

Love (for now), ME

Dear Netti pot,

I love you, and I hate you.

That is all.

Love (and Hate) ME

Dear person with luggage,

WTF are you doing bringing luggage on a rush hour train!

Love, Me

Dear Fluffy mom with fluffy children,

You do not ask them to do you a favor. You tell them, “Do this for me because I’m your mother and I gave you life.”

Love, Me