Category: Family N Friends


Rednecks are smarter than you think… (from my Dad)

Filed under: Family N Friends
August 7, 2012

Dear old demented Dad. Although I have heard this joke before, except when I heard it the person getting the loan was a blond.

 His name might have been Bubba. He was from Mississippi, and he needed a loan, so…he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral to obtain a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and a Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

And yes, dear old dad is a good ‘ole boy.

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E-mail from my father

Filed under: Family N Friends — 1 Comment
July 31, 2012

Who is depraved. Really.

Dead Penguins – I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica — where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which
lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very
committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a
form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of its
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using
their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the
dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and
one by one, they begin to emit a unique sound — a haunting bird-song
that sounds like this:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then, they kick him in the ice hole . . .

You didn’t really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

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Cold Play in Philly

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Filed under: Family N Friends, Important Stuff
July 8, 2012

The reason I was going to Dutchess County was to go see Cold Play with my best friend and two of her boys. It was a graduation present for one of them. My friend had also planned a surprise for her other boy, they had an extra ticket that Em was going to ‘sell’ that was actually going to be for a friend of his that had been traveling.

She ran into traffic so we had to wait and make up excuses as to why we weren’t leaving. We walked out to the parking lot, Em knew her son’s friend was close, when we didn’t get in the car he yelled, “What are we waiting for?” A voice piped up behind him, “You’re waiting for me.” It was perfection.

At the concert we got wristbands to wear, ‘part of the show’ they kept flashing on the viewscreens, which were 4 oval discs seemingly suspended in the air. After Wolf Gang (follow them on twitter! @wolfgang and make sure you get the right Wolf Gang!) and Robyn we got to Cold Play. The arena was pitch black and the wristbands lit up. Whatever color the wristband were that was the color the lights were, blue, pink, green, yellow and white (Nick collected them after the show to see if he can figure out how they work). It was glorious.

My ears were buzzing for a day, my throat is still scratchy. People are jealous I got to go.

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Cold Play in Philly ~ part ii

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Filed under: Family N Friends, Important Stuff

20120708-093941.jpg Here’s the boy, the ticket was a present from his mom. The shirt was my present to him.

20120708-094029.jpgThese are the wrist bands that light up.

20120708-094316.jpgAnd this is the shirt I bought myself, yes I dropped a huge chunk of change at this concert.

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Coney Island

Filed under: Family N Friends, WTF?
June 23, 2012

After living 20 years 60 miles north of NYC, numerous Saturday trips and living in the UES for a year, I made it to Coney Island. I wanted to ride the Cyclone. I had no desire to take this ride.

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What I Owe My Mother

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Filed under: Family N Friends
May 18, 2012

Here are some profound bits of education from our Mothers….

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA…
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
*I brought you into this world, and I can take you out**

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!

But, there is one missing from this list My personal all-time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
“Do you want me to stop this car?”

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One of those phone calls

Filed under: Emotions, Family N Friends, Personal not private
April 18, 2012

Did you ever get one of those phone calls? You know, when you just KNOW it’s bad news, either by the tone of their voice, or their rate of speech, or how they seem to be measuring their words. I got one of those phone calls today. From my Dad, about his brother.

Not that I’m very close to my uncle, after all I’m not that close to my father, but they are family so I feel something, just haven’t figured it out yet.

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Old dogs

Filed under: Animals, Family N Friends, Uncategorized — 2 Comments
February 20, 2012

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?’


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the panther, ‘That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!’


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!’


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

‘Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!’

Moral of this story…  

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don’t send this to some ‘old’ friends right away,there will be fewer people laughing in the world.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more ‘youthfully challenged’.


You did notice the size of the print, didn’t you?

LOL . . .

I really did Laugh Out Loud!!!

How about you???

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Toxic Waste

Filed under: Family N Friends, Miscellanea
January 7, 2012

This candy is at Dylan’s Candy Bar. The first time I saw it I didn’t buy any, but I thought of a little boy (almost 25) who would like it. Today I had to go up to the Hudson Valley for services for a friend who died. So I went to Dylan’s last night so I could get all the kids some candy. For Stitch I got Nerds rope, I got Sweetarts, root beer barrels, and jolly ranchers. Of course they didn’t really need all that candy, but I like getting it for them. Since I don’t live there anymore it makes a treat for them, that is the way I feel about it. Not only that but it’s hard to find the Nerds rope and Stitch really really like them. He also likes sour candy.

When I picked up the candy, I noticed there was a warning on the candy, I had never seen that. When I gave to Stitch, I had actually decided I wanted to keep them but he wouldn’t let go of the can. He ate one, then gave one to me. As I was leaving he said, “I need to give my mouth a break.” I asked him how many he had eaten. He grinned, “3”. Yes, he really loves sour candy.

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The subway line from hell

Filed under: Family N Friends, Work

What do you think, should I rename my blog to the above? How about, “Perils of the #6 train” or “The #6 is so effed up”.

Monday I took the bus, it was an experiment. Yesterday I took the bus again, this time out of desperation.

When I got to the subway I was surprised to see my co-worker and neighbor Mel waiting for the train. I found out the reason was because the trains that had come before were so packed she hadn’t got on. So we waiting, every train that came by was packed. The whole train.

Finally out of frustration and desperation we took the bus. We got off at 59th to see if the subway was any better, it wasn’t. Two trains went by and every car was packed to the doors. There was no way I was getting on any of those trains. We left the subway and caught another bus. This time we rode all the way to GCT.

To get to the #7 one has to walk to the #6 train platform and take the stairs down. As we were walking across the platform for the uptown #6 train, Mel indicated the other platform, the one for the downtown trains. It was packed with people. I have never seen that many people on the platform. I wanted to yell at them, “Take the bus!”

I took me 1:45 to get to work. Next week, I leave at 7, everyday.

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