>Airplane humour…. all true stories.

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Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, “How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?”

The pilot responded, “We’re an SR-71, son, and we don’t plan to go up to it; we plan to come down to it.”

And that’s how you shove someone’s foot in their mouth.

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A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a 38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?” The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?” The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, “What’s that for?” “To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

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A military pilot once called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the pilot remarked, “the dreaded seven-engine approach.”

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. So they grew rather impatient with a British Airways 747 call sign Speedbird 206 when it had trouble locating its gate.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206, rather frostily : “Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark. And I didn’t land.”

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

At which point a British pilot on another plane cut in with “Because you lost the bloody war!”

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f… ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f… ing bored, not f… ing stupid!”