Sometimes I feel like a total loser. Like tonight, which is why I am writing this instead of sleeping, which is what I should be doing.

It’s not that everything in my life is going bad, or I did a lot of things wrong. It was just one thing, just one thing that turned me upside down and convinced me that I can do nothing right. I got upset about something, but I felt I shouldn’t have been upset, there was no good reason to be upset. I started hearing the voices in my head condemning me for being demanding and unreasonable. Instead of just moving on I have let it become a black hole that I can’t move on from.

The worst thing is the tears, because I am upset, I’m doubly upset, once for what happened and for being upset when I feel I shouldn’t be. I even wrote down the reasons why I shouldn’t be upset ending with “I’m not special, stop thinking that.” I stopped short of saying how stupid I was and what a horrible mess of things I have made.

So I tried to fix it, so I wouldn’t get upset and disappointed again, and now I’m afraid I’ve made things worse which will of course make me an even bigger loser.

Advertisements