Tag Archive: E-Mails


>Proofreading is a dying art….

>Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


I just couldn’t help but sending this along. Too funny.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma’s new construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?


Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

>The Four Cats

>Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….

Ate the cookies……..

Drank the milk…….

Smacked the other three cats…….

Claimed he injured his back while doing so……..

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….

Put in for Workers Compensation…………….and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT’S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

>Comments made in the year 1955! That’s only 54 years ago!

>’I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.

‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.

‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous..

‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter

‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

>CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

>

  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..
  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption..
  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  20. A backward poet writes inverse.
  21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

>Staten Island Advance
Saturday, March 28, 2009

Beautiful and dangerous: Poisionous snakes and other exotics illegally kept and sold in Castelton Corners, authorities say

By DOUG AUER

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — A Castleton Corners man has been caught collecting, buying, selling and trading protected snakes, turtles, lizards and salamanders — going so far as to erect a building in his backyard to house his extensive, illegal menagerie, authorities said.

Ronald Peteroy, 33, of Garden Street, was snared in an undercover investigation begun by the state Department of Environmental Conservation in 2007.

The sting — dubbed “Operation Shellshock” — has led to charges against 18 people in New York state, including Peteroy, along with six in Pennsylvania and one person in Canada.

The crimes encompassed more than 2,400 animals.

The investigation resulted in charges including 14 felonies, 11 misdemeanors and dozens of violations, DEC Commissioner Pete Grannis announced.

For his role, Peteroy is charged with one count of felony commercialization of wildlife involving a federally protected endangered species.

According to the court complaint against Peteroy, the DEC was first tipped off to his animal activity by a Waterways Conservation Officer with the Pennsylvania Fish and Boat Commission, who had seen an Internet posting advertising two venomous reptiles.

On May 24, 2007, a DEC investigator called the number included in the Web advertisement and was connected to Peteroy, who offered to sell a copperhead snake and rhino viper for $300.

His wife was expecting a baby, Peteroy said, which had forced his hand in respect of the venomous snakes.

During the conversation, Peteroy acknowledged that possession of the copperhead was illegal, because he did not have a permit.

When undercover DEC officials met with Peteroy on May 31 at his home to pay for and pick up the snakes, he expressed relief that the buyers were not “Fish and Wildlife” officers.

In a June 23 e-mail sent that year, Peteroy also admitted to undercover DEC officers that he had acquired ridge-tail monitors, which are unprotected exotic lizards.

On March 3, 2008, plainclothes DEC officers met Peteroy at the Long Island Reptile Expo in Melville, where he informed the would-be customers that he was starting a business, Chris Wholesale Animals, that specialized in the importation of reptiles.

Later that month, on March 15, Peteroy sent the DEC officers an e-mail listing more than six dozen species of exotic and native New York turtles, with prices ranging from the hundreds of dollars to $10,000.

Peteroy sent an updated list on Aug. 21, including alligator snapping turtles, red-headed Amazon River turtles and yellow-spotted Amazon River turtles.

In a Sept. 5 phone conversation, Peteroy told the DEC officer that he was getting rid of the yellow-head turtles because they could result in the business’ being shuttered. He noted that a friend of his had been sent to jail for selling the turtles without the proper accompanying paperwork.

Peteroy also noted that he and a separately charged partner from Long Island had “white-headed monitors. White-headed monitors are legal in America. But they are illegal because it’s illegal to import them from the Philippines.” Peteroy revealed that he would be using contacts in Indonesia and Africa to obtain the animals.

Peteroy then bragged that he and his partner have animals — including breeding stock — stashed in numerous locations.

During the phone call, Peteroy described his inventory as “some really nice stuff,” including Italian fire salamanders, an albino-colored timber rattlesnake, salmon-colored snapping turtles and bearded dragons.

Peteroy also offered to buy baby common snapping turtles from the DEC investigator and revealed another connection in New Jersey.

And he boasted breeding exceedingly rare animals, including a black-headed monitor.

When asked by the DEC official he kept his collection, Peteroy admitted to building a 16-by-20-foot structure behind his house, to which he had connected illegal sewer, electrical and gas hookups from his home.

At the Sept. 7 reptile show in White Plains, Peteroy sold the DEC agent two yellow-spotted Amazon River turtles for $2,000.

Then, on Sept. 21, he explained in detail during a phone call with the DEC office how he had cared for the turtles and that he could procure ball pythons from New Jersey and bog turtles from Florida, if needed.

On Nov. 28, the DEC agent spoke with Peteroy, who explained how he used the phone and Internet to communicate with dealers and buyers, and that he had four computers consolidated onto one hard drive maintaining his business records and transactions.

In total, Peteroy’s wholesale list named over 60 species of native and exotic turtles and reptiles, some of which are illegal species, according to the DEC.

“This investigation showcased the callous depth of cruel wildlife-smuggling black markets. The Humane Society of the United States is pleased that New York officials have sent a strong message that this kind of wanton trade and commercialization of wildlife will not be tolerated in the state,” said Patrick Kwan, New York state director for the Humane Society of the United States.

New York State law prohibits the illegal commercialization of wildlife and possession of protected species, and a 2006 law specifically protects all reptiles and amphibians.

Doug Auer covers police and fire news for the Advance. He may be reached at auer@siadvance.com

>Fwd: Sensible Observations

>Sensible Observations

(1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown

(2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

(3) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get pulled into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
— Jeff Foxworthy

(4) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
— Dave Barry

(5) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
–Paula Poundstone

(6) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

(7) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”
–Richard Jeni

(8) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

(9) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

(10) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

(11) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

(12) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

(13) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown

(14) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!'”
— Dave Barry

(15) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown, presumed deceased

(16) “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
– W. C. Fields

>BBBB

>For New Yorkers only:

What is BBBB? It stands for Bigger Better Bottle Bill. The Bottle Bill is what NY calls their refund program for soda and other carbonated beverage bottles. NY is trying to expand the program to include water and juice bottles.

We are closer to victory on the Bigger Better Bottle Bill than ever before. Governor Paterson has proposed including the BBBB in the state budget this year. With only weeks to go before April 1st when state lawmakers are supposed to finalize the budget, your calls and letters now could make all the difference!

The public strongly supports this environmental measure:
– More than 700 groups, businesses, and local governments endorse the BBBB
– 3 polls show that more than 80% of New Yorkers support the BBBB
– More than 100 editorials have been published calling on lawmakers to pass the BBBB

The Bigger Better Bottle Bill updates New York’s 5-cent deposit law on beer and soda to include non-carbonated beverages, like bottled water and sports drinks, which now make up a third of the beverage market. This would increase recycling and make our communities cleaner and healthier. It also would require beverage companies, who currently keep the deposits when people don’t return their bottles and cans, to turn this money over to the state. This would generate more than $200 million a year for environmental protection in New York.

This measure has been “bottled up” in Albany for many years due to opposition from the powerful beverage and supermarket lobbies. While the Assembly has passed it several times, the Senate has consistently failed to take action.This year, however, with new leadership in the Senate and a massive budget gap that lawmakers are struggling to fill, we are very, very close to achieving a landmark environmental victory.

Please contact your state legislators and urge them to include the Bigger Better Bottle Bill in the 2009-2010 state budget.

>Prison vs. work

>

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.!!!


IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.


IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.


IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.


IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


IN PRISON
you get your own toilet.

AT WORK
you have to share.


IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.


IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK
you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.


Hmmm?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for………

Kill your Manager 🙂

>Fwd: One Word

>Not as easy as you might think! Now forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to send back to the person you received it from!

Where is your cell phone? Dresser

Your significant other? none

Your hair? straight

Your mother? Washington

Your father? Sedro-Wooley (Didn’t say it couldn’t be hyphenated!)

Your favorite thing? Manhattan(Absolutely, no doubt about it)

Your dream last night? none

Your favorite drink? Water

Your dream/goal? Paradise

What room are you in? Bedroom

Your hobby? blogging

your fear? dark

Where do you want to be in 6 years? paradise

Where were you last night? Bed

Something that you aren’t? warm

Muffins? huh? (Where are my muffins? What muffins?)

Wish list item? peace

Last thing you did? TV

What are you wearing? sweater

Your Pets? four(furry and feathered, you see my dilemma?)

Friends? patient (They put up with me)

Your life? good

Your mood? conflicted

Missing someone? yes

Drinking? Theraflu

Smoking? Never!

Your car? Chevy

Something you’re not wearing? Pants(Well I’m in bed)

Your favorite store? amazon(I know, not really a store)

Your favorite color? Purple

When is the last time you cried? Forget

Who will resend this? ?

Where do you go to over and over?Manhattan

Five people who email me regularly? Friends (Well they said one word!)

My favorite place to eat? Manhattan

Favorite place I’d like to be at right now? Here

people I think will respond:Whomever

>Don’t Rain on My Parade!!!

>This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hair dresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?’

‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?’

‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’

‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced.

So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?’

‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.’

‘That’s rich ,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

‘It was wonderful,’ explained the woman, ‘not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.’

‘Oh, really! What ‘d he say ?’

He said: ‘Where’d you get the shitty Hairdo?